


Winter Solace

by Chittamin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Implied Sexual Content, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung-centric, M/M, Most of the time, Pining, Post-Break Up, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, but this is not really doyoung centric, dojae, get me?, i don't know how to tag sorry, johnten are just implied, so sorry yuwin, winwin too, you won't see johnny im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-27 03:32:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16210532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chittamin/pseuds/Chittamin
Summary: Doyoung ends up meeting his Ex boyfriend who is also his childhood best friend and his childhood neighbor. Doyoung comes back to the places he loves, the foods he longs for, and to the people he almost forgotten.





	Winter Solace

**Author's Note:**

> edit (12/11): Changed some things from here and there. some typos and sentences didn't manage to convey its original thoughts. some sentences also removed. but the entire plot isn't changed. :)
> 
> This is my first nct fic. ㅠㅠ So don't be too hard on me. And this isn't supposed to be this long but i can't help it, it became a word dump aaaa ㅠㅠ also, i don't know how to tag properly since i barely read those so :// 
> 
> Tw: rated M for Curses and implied Sexual Content. Can't write straight smut yet ㅠㅠ
> 
> English isn't my first language so bear with me pls. I beg u.

Doyoung loves Christmas Holidays. For him, it is the most magical celebration. From the lights lighting up the streets, to happy smiles everyone projects through the occasion. It’s magical in some ways that people somehow forget hatred and grudge when it comes, like it's a pre-fresh start before the new year.

 

Every Christmas, his best friend slash neighbor Jaehyun would bring him freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. It’s the easiest cookie to bake, the nine year old Doyoung thinks but the eight year old Jaehyun was so adorable and no one can resist him so it’s okay.  His little dimples would peak at Doyoung as he smiles and it never fails in making Doyoung feel giddy.

 

Another element that completes his christmas, is when they decorate their own Christmas tree. His whole family would gather around their living room to organize christmas decorations. His brother, Gongmyung would lift him up so he can put the brightest star at the top and light it up before dinner. Gongmyung says that one day, he can be the brightest star too, he just need to grow up soon. It’s like a tradition every year, and every year, Doyoung takes pride to their beautifully lit christmas tree. He would brag about it through their village with of course, little jaehyun as his number one fan.

 

Things started to change when his brother went away for college. It's just him and his parents, but he’s still happy nonetheless.

 

He also grew tall reaching the top of the tree, so he’s not as excited as he used to be.

 

Doyoung hates change. Everyone says that change is the only constant in the world, but Doyoung is a sensitive person. Everytime there’s a big change happening in his life, it grows inside his heart like a vine and covers him in despair. It's hard for him to accept that some things are not the same anymore. He does cope up with it since of course he has no choice. It takes time though, so what Doyoung does is keep the things sentimental for him as long as he could.

 

Years after, Doyoung also went away from college, taking a 5 year course at a university far away from his brother’s. Away from everything that used to be. It’s like his whole life turned 180 degrees. He was so used to having those he loves around him, but he now he needs to get used to daily phone calls from his parents, weekly skype with gongmyung, and hourly texts with jaehyun.

 

**2008**

 

Doyoung was unsurprisingly a social butterfly in college. His mouth just never stops talking so he made friends all over. Doyoung had clubs and organizations here and there so you can never say he’s lonely, but at the end of the day, he still longs for his life back in his hometown, wondering if it will ever be the same again.

 

Jaehyun comes after him a year later. He’s a batch under Doyoung so when Doyoung left for college, his only goal was to go after him.

 

On his first year in college, Jaehyun would always follow Doyoung. He joined clubs that Doyoung was in, he befriended Doyoung’s friends and actually invited himself into Doyoung’s circle of friends. Not that he isn’t welcome, jaehyun was actually the first person who belonged on Doyoung’s circle, and apparently stuck with him throughout.

 

Jaehyun asked Doyoung to be his boyfriend on the first christmas they celebrated as college boys. He asked under the giant Christmas tree lit up in the middle of their campus grounds. Doyoung swears he heard angels sing, but jaehyun counters it with Doyoung being the only angel that night.

 

Through the years, They both learned how to stand up on their feet together. Doyoung became busy with focusing on his studies and jaehyun joins the basketball team. They were the typical college sweethearts. Doyoung would be always be present at Jaehyun’s basketball games. Most of the time he’s reading his book, how the hell does he do that? No one knows. But whenever jaehyun would score, he’s there on his feet cheering for jaehyun.

 

Jaehyun would also join Doyoung on his study nights. Half of the time, jaehyun would doze off and they would end up cuddling. Other half is jaehyun bringing too much food to eat and they end up too bloated to continue studying. Jaehyun knows which type of foods would bring up Doyoung’s energy to study the whole night. Strawberries and freshly baked cookies. Sometimes they even escape to the local diner which reminds them of the diner they used to visit in their hometown. Occasionally ordering different kinds of milkshakes but ends up having berries.

 

In the end, both of them still aces their exams and tops their respective classes.

 

The two of them would sometimes be too busy to have a proper date that having lunch at the cafeteria (or sometimes at the library) would be their only constant.

 

“Can _you_ believe it? Ten says i’m too talkative! I am _not_ talkative! I know how to keep my mouth shut. Just because i had a slip of the tongue to the dean doesn’t mean i’m a blabbermouth!” Doyoung rants as he pokes his chopsticks to the beef he has for lunch. Jaehyun laughs at him.

 

“Why are you laughing? Is it funny? How i accidentally called the dean a sad old man? How i am potentially about to be kicked out of this school?”

 

“No, no it’s just…

 

... you look so cute being so angry and all. Your cheeks are already so pink, and your eyes are about to burst _and_ i still love you”

 

Doyoung stops and puts the back of his hands on his cheeks. Being embarrassed is not Doyoung’s thing. Especially in front of jaehyun. They knew each other since they were kids, it's just jaehyun; but his heart can’t stop beating so fast is feels like bursting.

 

“Look, everything happened already, okay? What they think of you doesn’t really matter. If the dean kicks you out then their most beloved basketball captain would quit and be with you”

 

“I hate you…”

 

“Oh you love me… so start eating your food. I know you haven’t had your breakfast because of that meeting with the dean”

 

Jaehyun starts eating his food again, but Doyoung doesn’t.

 

“Am i really talkative? Am i annoying? Do you wann—” Jaehyun stops Doyoung as he puts a rice ball in Doyoung’s mouth.

 

“Can i be honest? Yes, you are talkative, sometimes nagging even. Annoying? yeah...sometimes, that too. But that’s what i like about you. _You_ care about people and _you_ are not afraid to voice out your thoughts, and you are true to who you are.”  Jaehyun looks around them before he pecks Doyoung’s lips.

“I love you, and everything about you. If there is something i love the most, it’s when your mouth says that you love me too. And when you’re writhing in bed i —” This time, it’s Doyoung’s turn to stuff rice balls on jaehyun’s mouth.

 

Just like that, they made it through college. Through the ups and downs, through the wins and loses. They are beside each other. They are contented to what they have. Jaehyun had the typical college popularity and Doyoung had the typical A lister student life but at the end of the day, they find themselves in a common ground. Beside each other.

  


**2013**

 

Their much awaited graduation finally happened. They both managed to snag up jobs to their dream companies. It’s a bonus that their offices are near each other, so they can take turns in driving. Most of the time, it’s jaehyun because he’s the better driver. Doyoung is at ease when jaehyun drives.  Doyoung thinks if jaehyun is the better driver then he’s the better passenger. He being at the passenger seat holding sandwiches and drinks when they’re too busy to eat lunch.

 

He can also baby jaehyun at times. Holding his drink for him so he won’t take his eyes off the road. Jaehyun can drive with one hand and hold his drink with another, but jaehyun doesn’t say it and justlets Doyoung take care of him.

 

“Ten was scolded by our supervisor earlier...he was too busy talking to johnny when he didn’t know our supervisor was behind us…” Doyoung tells jaehyun as he snickers a laugh and sips his strawberry smoothie

 

“Why didn’t you warn him then? Such a good friend you are!” Jaehyun replies, also laughing although his ears are too focused on Doyoung’s laugh.

 

“Hey! It’s not my fault! I kept sending him signals! You know how engrossed ten is with johnny! he’s so _in love_ , It’s like the whole world is muted to him!” Doyoung reiterates, still laughing at how his friend was almost fired from his job.

 

“Yeah...yeah. That’s how i am with you.” with that, jaehyun pulls to the side and stops the car, confusing Doyoung because it's not their home yet. The brunette then seals his lips with Doyoung, and the black haired boy understood what message jaehyun is trying to deliver.

 

“Yeah, i love you too” Doyoung says as jaehyun breaks their kiss.

  


**2018**

 

Doyoung, Yuta, and Ten are on their way back to Doyoung’s hometown. They bumped at the airport when Doyoung’s flight to paris and the flights of the two foreigners back to their hometowns were cancelled. The earliest flight they can have to fly out would be after the holidays so Doyoung decides to bring them back to his hometown. He was back in the country for a month and he haven’t got the chance to greet his parents yet because he got caught up with too much work. So he sees this as a blessing in disguise.

 

“Oh my gosh this is so exciting! I miss you so much Doyoung! God knows how many stories i’ve been dying to tell you! I hate you so much but i also love you so come here and hug me!” Ten says as he hugs Doyoung in the middle of the airport.

 

“Just a precaution though, if your mom shows us an embarrassing photo of yours it would definitely go up on twitter”

 

The three of them rented a car out. Yuta is the one driving as he is voted the best driver out of them three. Which is almost no competition because all of them are bad. Doyoung is seated at the the passenger seat while Ten falls asleep after his excitement died down so Doyoung accompanies yuta in being wide awake while they are on the road.

 

“Hey, how are you Doyoung? Haven’t heard a lot about you since…” since he and jaehyun broke up.

 

“I’m okay. Great really. You know how i’ve always wanted to start on my own and having it on the works now is already fulfilling to me. What about you?”

 

“Same old, i’m now dating this boy from china, i hope you can meet him someday.”

 

“I will don’t worry…”

 

“So… are you like... back in our lives now?”

 

“Everyone misses you, johnny, ten, taeil, and…”

 

“Even him? I don’t think so.”

 

Yuta leaves it at that as he doesn’t want to bring up old memories if Doyoung isn’t comfortable, but Doyoung’s mind can’t help but to wonder if the man they’re talking about is doing well.

 

“Is he...doing well these days?”

 

“Yeah…he’s good.” without me. Doyoung thinks. Until now, he knows everything is his fault. He broke jaehyun’s heart to pieces so he’s happy to know that he’s been doing well. he sets aside that thought when ten wakes up from his sleep.

 

“Hey can we stop at the next rest area? I really need to pee…”

 

“What? But we won’t get home by midnight if we stop…”

 

“Same old Doyoung… be thankful i missed you.”

 

“But i really can’t help it yuta.” Ten turns to yuta.

 

“If you don’t want me to pee here inside the car then stop at the next rest stop. Thanks!”

 

Doyoung rolls his eyes.

  


**2016**

 

“i’m tired” Doyoung says to jaehyun while crying.

 

“i know love… I know. But please don’t do this. Please don’t leave me okay?” jaehyun says as he tries to hold Doyoung’s hand.

 

“I’m sorry. It’s just… this is all on me jaehyun. I’m fed up with everything i can’t breathe I…

 

I’m happy. With everything we have now.” Doyoung says as he puts a hand on jaehyun’s crying face.

 

“but i need more. I’m so happy with everything that you are achieving in your life. Trust me how if there’s anything, i’ll always be the first person to be proud and happy for you. But i realized that i’ve been so focused on you that i forgot i have my own life.”

 

Doyoung was fired from his job. The company had a great recession and he is one of the many employees needed to be cut off from their jobs. Doyoung did a great job at the company, but not enough for them to let him stay. This took a toll on Doyoung as everything he built up fell into pieces. The sudden decision of the company pushed Doyoung to make a rush decision, to leave the place and start all over.

 

“no, no love. Have you forgotten how i promised you this is all for us? How i’m working so hard so i can give you the life you want, there are lots of jobs here, do you really need to go?”

 

“but this is not the life i want, jaehyun. I… i wanna explore. I wanna look for myself. I want to start again;

 

And you, you have your life here jae. This place is not for me anymore. It won’t work out even if we want to. That’s the way it is jae.” Doyoung says as he walks to the door to leave their apartment. He may be breaking jaehyun’s heart right now, but his heart is hurting too.

 

Doyoung thinks how Jaehyun isn’t meant to cry, his smile and laugh is too beautiful for that. He hates himself for being the reason of his tears, he wishes that this is just a nightmare, but it’s too late for that.

 

“then i’ll go with you…please” Doyoung says as he hugs Doyoung from behind. His tears wetting Doyoung’s shirt. It's like a mental sign to Doyoung that jaehyun, his precious jaehyun is begging for him to stay.

 

“please don’t leave me, love. Please wait for me. I’ll set everything up and i’ll go with you” The brunette says, short of breath from excessive crying.

 

“no, jaehyun. You worked hard for everything you have now. Please don’t do this to yourself...i’m really sorry jae.”

 

Jaehyun turns Doyoung who is looking on the floor the whole time, eyes creating pool of tears.

 

“But, do you really need to break up with me? We can be away and still be together, don’t break my heart like this Doyoung; why are you throwing everything away?”

 

“Because you don’t deserve any of that jae, you don’t deserve to be with someone like me. I wanna be selfish this time and take a break from everything, pick myself up and be someone worth loving… you deserve someone better jae.”

 

Doyoung, with all his might breaks jaehyun’s hold on him, then looks up to jaehyun which he instantly regretted seeing how much jaehyun’s eyes are full of tears. His body is trembling and his skin has turned into pink from too much crying. Doyoung then tips his toes, and leaves a kiss on jaehyun’s forehead. He took all of his strength to pull away, his mind scrambling for words that would make it less painful, but he knows no matter which perspective this story is, it will never be easy.

 

_“i’m sorry.” and with that, Doyoung turns around and leaves._

 

The break up broke Doyoung in all ways possible, but everything is his fault so he can only blame himself. He’s mentally and emotionally exhausted. They’ve been going through so much the past few days. His mind breaking, thinking on how will they both continue with their lives separately. Can they really breathe and live on without each other?  He spent almost all of his life together with jaehyun and he doesn’t know if he can move on with his life. He wanted this, it's excruciating to him but he repeats in his mind that this is what he needs.

 

He walks and walks to wherever his feet is dragging him,thinking about how they both have built each other’s lives together. They used to lie down on their bed crafting their wildest dreams. Jaehyun wants to give Doyoung the biggest wedding he can think of. He wants to make Doyoung have a wedding fit for a royalty, just like how he reigns jaehyun’s heart. They both already agreed how having two children to spoil would be enough that they will make their little kingdom, the biggest of them all.

 

Doyoung hates change, but this time though he’s doing it for himself. He can’t remain stagnant while jaehyun is up there reaching his dreams. He also can’t bring jaehyun down with him if he fails. He’s scared to be alone, but for the sake of the both of them, he chose himself. Even after all these, Doyoung remains adamant to his decision. No matter how painful, he can cope up it with. He just hopes that jaehyun can do too.

 

Doyoung sat down at the sidewalk. Too exhausted to continue walking. He doesn’t know where he is as he just let his feet drag him wherever. And now he’s lost.

  


**2018.**

 

The three of them stops at a secluded rest area with only restrooms and a payphone. It’s holiday season so you won’t see any people out, especially in a place like this.

 

“you happy now?” Doyoung asks nonchalantly as ten walks out of the restroom

 

“yes, i am. Now will you excuse me, i need to get my sleep.” ten says as he enters the back seat. Not minding the glares and eye rolls both Doyoung and ten are giving him.

 

Yuta and Doyoung also enters the car again. They were ready to take off again when the car’s engine won’t start, battery clearly died down. Great. What a great way to celebrate christmas. They are stuck in a place nobody knows and their car just decides to be a complete bitch and malfunction. Great.

 

“oh my god” yuta breaks the silence.

 

“let me see if there are jumper cables at the back,” yuta reaches to the trunk and already throwing his every expectations to see jumper cables to the trash.

 

“of fucking course, there are no jumping cables what the fuck is this car?”

 

“calm down yuta,” Doyoung replies as he bites his lips to think of other ways for them to escape the place.

 

“you think a towing company would be open right now?”

 

“well, i hope so. There’s payphone there maybe there are numbers of towing companies near here.” ten positively says before jumping down from the car and sprinting to the payphone near the left side of the rest area restrooms.

 

There wasn’t. The payphone is a complete mess with scribbles of curses all over. Ten is so tempted to add some curse there if only he has a pen with him. He loves drawing so he always brings a pen but this is one of the few times he didn’t. And he regrets it.

 

“oh my god. Are we stuck here for the whole night?”

 

“i called the towing company i know from the city. They said they doesn’t have anyone to come at us for tonight. Especially in a place this far. I’m sorry, man.” yuta says as he comes back from his phone, apparently already made some calls to save their lives. Which he didn’t succeed of getting any.

 

“do you have any friends we can call?”

 

“johnny’s still in chicago...yuta’s boyfriend is still in beijing…”

 

Doyoung eyes are travels to the ground as he knows where this is going.

 

Half an hour later, a car came down. Possibly to rescue them. But Doyoung stops as the car comes into his vision. He knows that car with all his heart. He was there when they bought it. He was there when they cried out of joy thinking how they were reaching their dreams one by one.

 

Jaehyun parks as he stops at the curb of the street. He goes down out of the car and calls the three of them.

 

“hey, you guys okay?” jaehyun says as he approaches the three of them. It's not the same old jaehyun of course. The brunette boy he left is now sporting an ash blond with touch of purple hairstyle. Quite bold for the timid jaehyun he knew. Two years is not long but technically it's not short either. He surely have missed a lot of things during those two years he was away.

 

“yeah, yeah we’re all alright. The car broke down thankfully not in the middle of the road”

 

“sorry jae, we know its a bother-” yuta says looking both at jaehyun and Doyoung.

 

“no, no. I was actually on the way home too. So it’s okay not really a bother”

 

“where are your things then? I’ll help you load them in the car.”

 

“here…” yuta leads them to the trunk of the car they rented out. He will have to call the company tomorrow. When they get some sleep.

 

Doyoung was there standing at the back of the car. Silently listening to the conversation that was going

 

“hey Doyoung… i’m sorry we know he’s the last person you wanna call but we just want get out of this place…”

 

“what are you saying? I’m okay!” Doyoung says as he fakes a laugh. Maybe as he hides a tear about to go down too.

 

Doyoung misses jaehyun. But he doesn’t have the right to. That’s a fact he knows like the back of his hand. He just didn’t expect seeing him like this. Needing help from jaehyun.

 

Jaehyun then walks to them to help bringing their bags to his car.

 

“hey…”

 

“hey… nice seeing you again” jaehyun smiles at Doyoung. It's not the smile jaehyun always have when he’s with Doyoung back then but it's a progress. He didn’t expect jaehyun to be so friendly with him after what he did to him, but Oh how he missed that smile.

 

“yeah nice seeing you again too…”

 

They walk up to jaehyun’s car. Yuta and ten already on their seat at the back. Doyoung was about to open the passenger seat, when he saw someone sitting there despite the windows being heavily tinted. It was taeyong.

 

Taeyong who was an officemate of jaehyun. Doyoung had episodes of being jealous of him but it wasn’t the reason of their breakup. He was long behind their relationship when they broke up. It was because of Doyoung himself.

 

Doyoung lifts his head up seeing jaehyun looking at him. He then gives a smile showing how silly he was.

 

“oh, right. Sorry…” Doyoung says as he makes way to the backseat, beside yuta and ten.

 

The car ride was silent. Doyoung thinks about how the car changed. The old off gray leather seats became black. The pillows at the back that jaehyun always saves when Doyoung wants to sleep, is nowhere to be found. It also smells different now. The car used to smell sweet like sweet pea or sometimes chocolate cosmos because they both like it that way. Now, it smells like citrus fruit; which jaehyun hates.

 

He is also used to sit at the front, beside jaehyun while he drives.

 

“do you guys want any drink? I know a place on the way. Promise we won’t get stranded there” jaehyun breaks the silence.

 

“me! I want some drinks my throat has been so dry already!” Taeyong says.

 

“yeah, actually me too.” ten interjects.

 

“what about you Doyoung?” Doyoung wakes up in his trance. As yuta turns to him.

 

“me? I’m okay with anything. ”

 

“then i’m okay with it too..”

 

Upon arriving at the place, Doyoung looks up and see that it's the diner where he and jaehyun used to visit on afternoons after classes and the place where they spend time when jaehyun knocks on Doyoung’s window to sneak out in the middle of the night because he craves a smoothie.

 

When jaehyun finished parking, he turned to his surroundings to see a deep asleep taeyong, yuta, and ten. Jaehyun meets eyes with the only one awake, Doyoung. His eyes are doe as ever, staring at him like there are a thousand stories he wants to tell, but jaehyun thinks it's not the right time yet. He chuckles as he breaks away their gaze to each other leaving Doyoung confused.

 

“i know you’re tired. You don’t need to go down with me, just get rest here inside”

 

Doyoung wanted to go down with him, but he doesn’t say it because it will be a whole lot awkward being with him, alone at the place where they used to hang out, it will make him miss him even more.

 

Jaehyun went down to get their drinks inside. Doyoung thinks how jaehyun probably continued taking care of his friends when he was away, since it all started when he was trying to befriend Doyoung’s friends. He would always take care of them, which turned into jaehyun’s second nature.

 

Jaehyun comes back with five drinks for each of them. He passes the paper tray to taeyong as he enters the car.

 

“which one is for me?    

 

...ooh strawberry smoothie! I like this!”

 

“uhh… i actually thought you might want some soda since you said that you were thirsty.” taeyong pouts

 

“is it yours? Can _we_ share?” taeyong says as he passes the other drinks to the now awake yuta and ten

 

Doyoung thinks how jaehyun likes blueberry smoothie better. Strawberry smoothie is always Doyoung’s. Actually, they used to order different flavors so they can share and taste both.

 

“yeah, of course” jaehyun smiles as his hand snakes to the paper tray, and takes one of the drinks and hands it over to Doyoung, Who clearly sees taeyong pretend he didn’t see that. But he brushes it off as he looks down to the drink jaehyun got him. He stopped himself from doing an eye roll because blueberry smoothie? Really? Great. Doyoung feels like being splashed with cold cold water in the middle of winter.

 

The place isn’t that far from Doyoung’s house so they didn’t take long to arrive. In a short time, Doyoung finds jaehyun pulling up to the curb of his childhood home. His parents are probably asleep now, since it's way past midnight. He’ll just greet them tomorrow morning.

 

“hey! Thank you man really!” yuta says to jaehyun as they get off the car. Surprisingly, uttering genuine gratefulness to jaehyun who saved them from spending the night at an unknown place.

 

“who are you? You’re not the yuta that i know” yuta smacks jaehyun in the head, just like the old times when jaehyun playfully places sarcasm on their conversations.

 

“yeah yeah whatever!”

 

They all took their luggages from jaehyun’s compartment. They don’t have much especially ten and yuta since they were supposed to just spend a few days on their hometowns, and Doyoung was about to go back to where his workplace is at. The two foreigners lead their way to the porch of Doyoung’s house.

 

“hey, thanks again. You didn’t have to do that, really” Doyoung says to jaehyun, he himself was confused if he was referring to jaehyun fetching them or about the drink. Guess he’ll depend on the latter’s response then. He waits for any change on the blonde’s expression but as usual, he smiles.

 

“it's nothing, yuta actually forgot about the information that you were there, not that it matters right?” jaehyun smiles as he closes the compartment. Oh. _So he’s talking about the first one then._

 

“okay. Alright. See you then.” Doyoung says before he turns back to walk to the front door, dragging both his feet and his luggage.

 

Doyoung can’t believe how it’s christmas and he’s here back in his hometown. Lots of things have changed and Doyoung feels like he needs time to absorb everything but there is something he needs to do first. Doyoung turns back to jaehyun.

 

“jaehyun?”

 

“yeah?”

 

“Merry Christmas?” it’s more of a statement than a question, the question mark is for himself.

 

“oh, right. Merry Christmas” smile still unwavering from his face.

 

Doyoung then waits for jaehyun to park his car at the front of jung residence. He turns around to open the door but looks at jaehyun one last time, he immediately regrets it as he sees jaehyun open the car door for taeyong, laughing like he used to do with him.

  
  
  


“Doyoung, what are you thinking? You’ve been so silent… you know we’re really sorry right?” yuta says as he stares at the ceiling. Where Doyoung has a mini constellation of glow-in-the-dark stars. A cheap alternative for a skylight if you want to stare at the stars at night.

 

The three of them are settled into Doyoung’s room. Ten takes the couch as he is the smallest and fits the couch better. Yuta takes a mattress so he’s on Doyoung’s bedroom floor. Doyoung takes his own bed which he haven’t slept on in years. He thinks how even though many things have changed throughout the time he went away, there are still little things which haven’t

 

“I am okay really. And as i’ve said we had no choice. It’s just…  Everything just feels familiar yet so new. And it sucks how i am about to leave them all over again…”

 

“you will still leave?”

 

“i have no choice, i’m setting up my career in paris. I… it’s what i want right? Even if i need to make a few sacrifices, it will be worth it right?”

 

“yeah, repeat that until it comes true” ten snaps.

 

“you don’t know anything about what i’ve gone through ten”

 

“of course we don’t, you left us all here without anything. You cut us from your life, Doyoung…”

 

“i know… i’m sorry. I really am”

  
  


Doyoung wakes up to the loud chatters downstairs. It’s 8 A.M in the morning yet he can hear his mom’s loud laugh. He looks around to see the mattress, pillows, and blankets his friends slept on, neatly put together to the side. He drags his feet while making his way downstairs to their dining room where all the people are at.

 

“Good Morning son! Merry Christmas! I’ve missed you so much! I’ve been waiting for you guys last night but you were so late and I had to go sleep early!” His mom greets him as she stands from her usual place at the dining table, walks toward Doyoung and hugs him really tight. Oh how he missed his parents and seeing them again makes it harder for him to leave again.

 

Doyoung then scans the room to see yuta and ten already having breakfast with his parents.

 

“hey Doyoung! You were so deep asleep earlier so we didn’t wake you up”

 

“yeah, we don’t want to be murdered on our first day here in your hometown; plus!

 

It’s nice to have a little chit chat with your mom we already looked through your childhood photos!” ten says gladly, his eyes laughing at Doyoung. The latter know he’s already judging him so his eyes turns into glare.

 

“oh my god so you already saw everything??”

 

“yes, everything. As in everything”

 

“mom how can you do this to me?? I’m your son you should be siding with me!” Doyoung whines as he grabs his usual breakfast. A toast with butter, as his mom puts his coffee at his side.

 

_Ding dong_

 

“who’s that? Gongmyung said he’s not coming home until next month right?”

 

“yeah he isn’t, but i know exactly who that is!” Doyoung is left confused as his mom stands up excitedly and goes to their main entrance door.

 

“Merry Christmas!” Doyoung knows that voice so well. And hearing it sound so jolly after a long time makes Doyoung want to burst into tears right then and there.

 

“There you are! I’ve been waiting for these since earlier! I thought you forgot it this year!”

 

Doyoung hears the front door close and they can already smell the sweet dessert about to grace their dining table. He knows that smell as he fell in love with it the first time he smelled it.

 

“Doyoung! Your favorite cookies are here!” Doyoung’s mom shouts as she enters the dining room with a smiling, grinning from ear to ear jaehyun in tow. And with jaehyun comes taeyong.

 

“Auntie, Uncle, this is my friend taeyong, he came with me this holiday. Taeyong this is auntie and uncle, Doyoung’s parents. They’re like my second parents too…”

 

“yeah… yeah jaehyun almost grew up here, when he was young he feels like this house is an extension of theirs so feel at home too taeyong” Doyoung’s mom says as taeyong smiles at that.

 

“why don’t you take a sit…” Doyoung says just to say something. He thinks that if he doesn’t say anything, it will turn awkward so he did what he can do. The two then sits beside Doyoung’s mom, they got an 8 seater dining table which shows how hospitable the kim family is.

 

Ten reaches to the basket of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies Doyoung’s mother put in the middle of the table. Jaehyun taps his hand which leaves a shocked ten.

 

“what? Why??”

 

“because…” jaehyun get the one at the very top and offers it to Doyoung’s mom.

 

“you should offer it to our only queen here!”

 

“you are such a bloodsucker! Dad what do you say about this??” Doyoung leaves ten with his parents for a few minutes and he’s already calling his dad like his own.

 

“i say if jaehyun was any older he’d be a competition but he’d obviously lose to me so nah won’t bother” Doyoung's dad jokingly says as he shakes his head and they all laugh at him as they reach for their own cookie.

 

Doyoung hesitates to get one. He fidgets his hands with the table cloth because he’s been itching to reach out for one. He knows he doesn’t deserve it. He still blames himself from breaking jaehyun’s heart. As petty as it sounds but he feels like eating jaehyun’s cookies would be a sin. So he retracts his hand even though he hasn’t tasted them in years. He misses the taste of it. He’s been eating them every christmas since they were 8 and it’s also a part of him too.

 

“Doyoung why aren’t you getting one these are your favorites?” his mom looks at him in confusion, he stares for a few seconds thinking of what to say.

 

“i don’t like them anymore, i tasted lots of different authentic cookies in Paris, and it tastes nothing like those” Doyoung regrets even opening his mouth as they were bewildered by his response. He himself is shocked too. There’s no way those things he ate in Paris would be on par with jaehyun’s. Doyoung can see how in his peripheral vision that jaehyun looks down at his hands on his lap. Showing a bittersweet smile, obviously irritated. He inhales and looks up and meets the brunette’s eyes.

 

“it obviously won’t be on par with those you ate in Paris, i baked these and Who am i right?” _you are the love of my life. Nothing can beat you, jaehyun. Nothing can even be on par with you._

 

“Hey jaehyun, these cookies are much better than last year’s!” Doyoung’s dad says, breaking the silence after jaehyun’s statement as he also reached for one.

 

“last year?” Doyoung asks clearly puzzled with what his dad just said. Obviously, Doyoung didn’t expect jaehyun to give cookies to his parents even when he’s away. He called his parents last christmas as he wasn’t able to go home since the plane ride halfway across the world would eat almost all of his vacation time. Obviously the fact that jaehyun visited his family while he was a knowledge not known to Doyoung as his face is clearly full of confusion.

 

“yeah, last year. Last year was a little bit on the crispy side, but i prefer it like this, chewy and gooey”

 

“really uncle? Then i’ll make them chewy from now, although i can say my cookies these past few years are a mess” Jaehyun knows it’s because the sole reason he learned to bake cookies when he was eight was not around, but he keeps it to himself and smiles.

 

“heyy but we like them if it's from you, our christmas isn’t complete without your cookies” Doyoung’s mom intervenes

 

“really auntie?” yuta says, not so subtly prying as to why

 

“Yeah, he’s been giving us chocolate chip cookies every christmas since he learnt how to make them, and when Doyoung went to paris i thought i won’t get them anymore…”

 

“oh mom you should taste my snickerdoodle cookies! I bet you’ll love them too!” ten says as he senses the Doyoung doesn’t want to talk about it

 

“oh really son? Then make me some then!”

 

“your wish is my command!” ten replies as he makes little wand gestures with his hand and everyone laughs.

 

“so taeyong, why are you not eating? Don’t be shy!” Doyoung’s mother turns to taeyong as she notices how taeyong haven’t touched his food.

 

“oh, nothing really i’m just surprised by you guys, you all are really close here, it’s heartwarming” taeyong replies as he smiles as Doyoung’s mother put some food on his plate, noticing how little he’s been eating. A total opposite of jaehyun who almost inhales the food in front of him, forgetting about the little tension he had with Doyoung earlier.

 

“don’t worry, just hang out with us and you’ll get used to this! By the way, what province are you from?”

 

“i’m just from seoul, we don’t celebrate christmas like this so jaehyun brought me here,”

 

“then celebrate christmas here from now on!”

 

“mom! I think it’s too much for taeyong don’t burden him too much!” Doyoung intercepts his mom as he notices some slight discomfort on taeyong’s face. Which taeyong quickly dismisses and happily obliged to her request.

 

“okay, but really you are always welcome here, you too yuta and ten, you can go here anytime you want! Just like jaehyun here”

 

“what! No! Then i won’t be your favorite child anymore!” jaehyun playfully whines earning an eye roll of Doyoung opposite him.

 

“who said you are his favorite though? It’s obviously me! You don’t even call him mom! Right mom?”

 

“but it's your first time here ten! Don’t dream! I spent half of my life here!”

 

“okay okay kids don’t fight okay! You all are my favorite don’t worry! You know what,

 

Doyoung, jaehyun, why don’t you take your friends around the town? Visit some memories here and there,” his mom want him dead. Did she not notice how awkward it was for them earlier? Apparently not because otherwise she wouldn’t be making this suggestion at all.

 

“oh right, i was about to walk taeyong around town since it’s his first time here,” Doyoung felt a pang in his heart. This is jaehyun and his home, and having jaehyun go around town with taeyong, someone that is not him hurts his heart. It's like his heart is crushed to pieces thinking on how jaehyun probably have made new memories with taeyong and now will be making new ones to places he and jaehyun used to go to. Maybe completely erasing him to jaehyun’s memory.

 

“we’re in!” ten happily shouts,

 

“i think i’ll pass this time, i still have lots of work i haven't started,”

 

“what? No! Your work have been hoarding you all by itself for the past years across the globe! Kim Doyoung, what did i say about you living here in my walls?”

 

“your house, your rules” Doyoung rolls his eyes around for the nth time that day.

 

“but i really do have lots of work i haven’t even started yet. I should’ve been back right now if it wasn’t for the cancelled flight. And it will be a bother to taeyong and jaehyun, they might have their plans laid out-”

 

“No, who said that? It’s okay you can come. Besides, two tourist guides are better that one right?” taeyong cuts Doyoung’s monologue with a hint of awkwardness in his tone.

 

“your mom is right, your friends missed you, and who knows, maybe the cancelled flight is a blessing in disguise?”

 

Doyoung hates how taeyong is such an understanding person, It makes it harder to hate him. Maybe that is why almost everyone is swooned by him, including jaehyun.

  
  


They spent the whole afternoon walking around the town, streets already filled with Christmas decorations which will be beautiful at night. They continue to walk their feets despite the chilly weather that makes them cling to their coats. Except taeyong who kept clinging onto jaehyun’s arm. Walking around town is a bad idea, Doyoung hates to say i told you so to the four people he’s with but as usual, he keeps it to himself.

 

They walked up to the road they used to take to go to school. Little trinkets of memories welcome then as they continue. The video shop where they used to rent dvds to watch every weekend has closed and turned into a bookstore. They wonder if the old man who used to let them off their penalties is doing okay, maybe he moved to different town, the two hoped. The convenience store in front of their school is still there though. And so all of the stores they used to visit after classes so it's good.

 

“what are you thinking about? I don’t like it when you think,” yuta says as he notices Doyoung’s gaze on jaehyun and taeyong. The two are walking ahead of them. Jaehyun happily pointing to places he used to chase Doyoung as the latter always runs from him when they were kids. Now here he is, at the back of jaehyun, probably forgotten everything.  

 

“why is he not angry to me?” Doyoung notices the confusion on yuta and ten’s face. “well aside from what i said this morning, which he almost snapped. it’s making me scared. Maybe i just expected him to shout at me and get me away from his face. But he has been so accommodating to me since last night? why is he not mad at me?”

 

“is that why you told him you don’t like his cookies anymore?” Doyoung looks down and the two reads it as a sign that yes, in fact Doyoung had said that in order to agitate jaehyun.

 

“you really are an idiot huh? Of all people you should know the answer to that, why are we even friends with you” ten answers, shaking his head in exasperation. Doyoung rolls an eyes on that, which Doyoung has been constantly doing since the past night. “you were away for two whole years Doyoung, a lot can change after that. Maybe that was enough time for him to heal, who knows?” yuta intercepts while shrugging his shoulders before the two snaps and fight before his eyes. Oh, he doesn’t want to see that.

  
  


They made their way to Doyoung and jaehyun’s high school, sky starting to turn into dusk. They were greeted with a bunch of people gathering on the courtyard, a bunch of court lights lit to make way for the night.

 

“what’s happening? Is there an event here?” taeyong asks in curiosity looking up at jaehyun who obviously knows what is happening.

 

“it’s a small event hosted by the school every christmas, like a winter showcase for the kids, but there will be a grand prize for the people’s choice,”

 

“oh, so it's like those retreat events that happens at night?”

 

“yeah, you can say it like that”

 

They approached the bunch of people full of high school kids. The typical high school night where students let out for a while. They see Strange faces here and there as these were just kids when they left the town for college. They stood at the back thinking of whether they should stay or not, since it looks like a bunch of old working guys in a sea of teenagers.

 

“Doyoung?! Jaehyun?!”

 

See? It’s always Doyoung and jaehyun, it was never a Doyoung nor a jaehyun. It's always the two of them. Attached by the hip since third grade.

 

They were startled as a tall and curly boy, whose skin is sun-kissed yet bright comes running to them. In tow of him is a boy whose eyes are crinkled into crescents, hands together with the curly boy on his front.

 

“oh my god it’s really you guys!” he jumps up and down excitedly as he reaches the gang.

 

“donghyuck?! Jeno?!” Doyoung replies in shock as he was surprised seeing a familiar face. Donghyuck was the child he tutors everyday after school, in tow of him is jeno, the child jaehyun used to teach basketball at weekends. The two used to be so small, they were just as tall as his chest but now the two are almost the same height as him. Doyoung leans in for a hug, while jaehyun did their infamous handshake with the two.

 

“when have your grown up so much?”

 

“you’re still such a mom, Doyoung you haven’t changed”

 

“what the hell? And your tongue haven’t changed too! Oh right these are our friends from college, yuta and ten, and jaehyun’s…” Doyoung excitedly introduced their friends to the two that he forgot about taeyong. He gulps as he thinks how will he even introduce taeyong. jaehyun’s friend? Boyfriend? New love of his life?

 

“my friend, taeyong. Taeyong, yuta, ten, these are donghyuck and jeno, the kids we used to tutor and teach basketball when we were in senior high.” jaehyun cuts him off clearly noticing his confusion, finishing their introductions.

 

“nice to meet you kids!”

 

“hey! Were not kids anymore! We’re still their children but we’re grown ups now!” jeno talks for the first time and he’s already whining, he’s so much like jaehyun, maybe because they spent too much time together back then.

 

“As you say, kids!”

 

“hey! Would the program start soon? Are you performing?” yuta asks the two high school students.

 

“unfortunately, we are. So you are all required to stay okay! I won’t take no for an answer!” jeno demands as he looks at Doyoung about to protest,

 

“we have a problem though! Do any of you knows how to apply make up? Our stylist bailed out and we have like, still seven of us that needs to be glammed up and there are like, two hours left…”

 

“Taeyong can!” Jaehyun almost shouts in excitement, “i’m sorry i was just excited but hey! You do make ups right? And i liked that look you had when we attended coldplay’s concert last year,”

 

“yuta and ten can do too, they used to glam our friends up back in college when they would attend dates, that will do right?” Doyoung intercepts jaehyun’s monologue on how taeyong is this, taeyong is that. He hears it but he just let them exit his other ear.

 

“but we don’t have any make ups with us?” yuta looks reluctantly at donghyuck and jeno,

 

“don’t worry! We already have some back there, we just can’t apply them properly since we don’t want to look overly glammed up,”

 

“okay, we’ll do it!” donghyuck and jeno beams as taeyong confirms that yes they will look good tonight,

 

“come with us backstage then?”  with that, donghyuck and jeno nods to them and grabs the hands of their substitute make up artists for the night and runs backstage. Jaehyun and Doyoung was confused at first but they joined the others after a couple of seconds of processing.

 

The preparation before the program was a hassle Doyoung only sees on his workplace. It was like the procrastination rush minutes before deadline of a month long project but done a for a couple of days. The hustle of the three substitute makeup artists already drained the two standbys just by watching. Not that the kids need heavy makeup perse but the three just hired artists knows how important this is for them, so they doesn’t want to mess this up.

 

The two found themselves helping too, like jaehyun fetching a couple of bottled waters for taeyong and Doyoung making sure that everything is in place. Ten almost kicked yuta for hogging up all the eyeshadow palettes, and Doyoung makes sure it doesn’t happen.

 

Taeyong was the busiest of them all, Doyoung notices. For a very competent person, he sure does doubt himself so much he ends up triple checking his work before he renders them done. Jaehyun never fails to reassure him that he, in fact made a masterpiece in a time constraint.

 

Soon, they were outside watching the avant garde performance the kids showed. They gave a jaw dropping performance with jeno and donghyuck often at the center so Doyoung feels proud, and hearing ten, the one with an artistic burning heart out of them all praise his kids makes his heart jump. “ _They are going to win, i’m sure of that_ ” ten, as a matter of fact tells Doyoung as the kids finishes their show.

 

Ten didn’t need to wait to affirm his assumption as a few minutes later, the kids was crowned as the best performance of the night. Haechan and Jeno’s group was running left and right the stage when their group was called as tonight’s winner and they won the grand prize for tonight, which they were all eyeing, a brand new playstation 4 pro. Doyoung and the group couldn’t be any prouder than tonight.

 

“First i’d like to thank my beloved group mates and their desire to win the grand prize which gave us the drive to win this showcase,” haechan started his winning speech, bluntly. Which gave a laugh to everyone as they were just high school kids being high school kids.

 

“Second, we’d like to thank the person who saved us tonight,” Suddenly, haechan’s teammate, chenle, comes running down to the group’s spot at the side of the stage. They all were confused as to why the kid is coming down the stage hurriedly. They did not expect what the kids has planned, the kid ran and ran to their place until he stops on front of them.

 

He looked at them all one by one, looking for someone. His eyes looked at Doyoung, and then at taeyong, confused on who to pick.

 

He then fixated his eyes on taeyong, and nods.

 

He ran past Doyoung, grabbed taeyong’s hand, and dragged him to the center of the stage.

 

“Taeyong here, who came all the way from seoul helped us come through even though we only met him hours ago,” they can clearly hear gasps and giggles of random high school kids at the sight of taeyong, Jaehyun and Ten were both laughing their asses off, but yuta turns to look at Doyoung who looks like the world has been shut down as his eyes remains on taeyong.

 

It happened so fast but Doyoung felt every thump of his heart that almost burst out of its cage. He’s hurt. For a moment, he thought chenle was gonna pick him and drag him to the stage. He was so petty to assume that though.

 

Since he didn’t do much backstage, unlike taeyong who shed sweat and tears for the group to come through. He understands, really, but why must it be taeyong of all people? Oh, right. Because everything comes through when it comes to taeyong.

 

It’s not that he wishes he should be the one on that stage. He knows well that the boy deserves that as he is one of the reasons the group came through. It's because he thinks that this is the life he exchanged for his career. Seeing jaehyun laughing so hard, the laugh he hasn't seen in years, looking at taeyong laughing with the kids he used to call his own. It breaks his heart realizing that this is bound to happen even if he’s not present, that unfortunately his flight got cancelled out that he gets to see this view.

 

The next parts of the speech was muffled in Doyoung’s ears, but he assumed that they also thanked the others as he saw yuta breaking his gaze at him and clapping.

 

Doyoung can clearly see how happy they are, and he realized he doesn’t want to take that from them. So even though he feels his eyes starting to get wet, he chooses to smile and claps as haechan ends his speech.

 

As the show ends, the people started to disperse and they all watched the teens take photos for souvenirs. A few minutes passed and they all come down running to where the group is waiting for them. Bunch of congratulations and thank yous was exchanged before they decide to eat late dinner, back at the diner.

  
  


They all walk in their own mini groups. The rest of the teens excitedly walk at the front. Yuta and ten, laughing as the chenle and his friend jisung makes jokes. Haechan and Jeno, catching up with jaehyun. So that leaves taeyong, walking side by side as Doyoung at the very back of the pact. As they walk throughout the day, Doyoung feels more and more isolated. He finds himself at the very back of the group thinking that isn’t how it's supposed to be. He was the leader back then, but now he feels ashamed to even talk.

 

“Are you alright?” taeyong wakes Doyoung up in his trance. Doyoung glances up at taeyong and nods.

“are you sure? You’ve been silent since earlier, i’m pretty sure something is bugging your mind,” how will he say that he shouldn't even be here without offending him? The answer; don’t say it. So Doyoung keeps his lips from opening.

 

“i’m alright taeyong, please don’t mind me,” Doyoung turns his lips into a smile that is far from joy. More onto the annoyed smile Doyoung keeps himself from giving.

 

“really? Seems to me that you are far from alright, i just want to help Doyoung, if—”

 

“for fucks sake taeyong, mind your own business!” and so, he snaps. The group stops their tracks and turns to the last two, most of their jaws drop upon realizing that it is indeed Doyoung who snapped to taeyong

 

“i’m sorry taeyong, I—” Doyoung breathes..

 

He closes his eyes and prays that jaehyun would let this slide away, for all of them to continue walking to the diner, for him to be awake realizing this is all just a dream, that he didn’t let his mouth open. He knows his prayers aren’t answered when he hears footsteps approaching him.

 

“You know what guys, why don’t you all go to the diner first, we’ll just follow you there or whatever,” jaehyun says breaking up the awkward atmosphere. They all nod at him, including yuta and ten who looked at both Doyoung and jaehyun.

 

“we’ll be alright here, don’t worry,” they all reluctantly turns away and continues to walk to the diner. haechan looked like he had something to say, but the look on jaehyun’s eyes scares him so he continues to walk.

 

The two waits until the group is far enough to not hear whatever they are about to talk.

 

“What the hell was _that_?” jaehyun asks Doyoung, clearly annoyed on Doyoung’s behavior a few minutes before.

 

“what do you think?” Doyoung looks at jaehyun’s eyes. They are both angry, and they both know it. Both of their eyes are brimming with tears, which both of them accumulated long enough for it to fill their eyes in seconds.

 

“i don’t know Doyoung you fucking tell me, but leave taeyong out of this, or any of our friends. They don’t deserve being lashed out whatever you are feeling right now,”

 

“wait a minute,” jaehyun lets out an annoying chuckle, shaking his head, leaving Doyoung let out a baffled look.

 

“are you perhaps jealous?” Doyoung can’t believe what he’s hearing right now.

 

“jealous? Are you hearing yourself right now?”

 

“then what Doyoung?! Tell me! Fucking tell me! You’ve been testing my patience since this morning! Well guess what, your childish antics is now on top of my nerves so fucking congratulations!” jaehyun shouts at Doyoung. Jaehyun never shouts, he’s usually the one who keeps calm between the two of them, and seeing him so angry, that his eyes can’t help but shed tears scares Doyoung.

 

“childish antics? Is that all this is to you? I’m fucking hurt jaehyun! I’m fucking hurt! How everyone seems to have forgotten about me! How everything is familiar yet at the same time i don’t know anything anymore! It hurts jaehyun, it fucking hurts!”

 

“it hurts how everything has changed! My friends, this town… and you. I don’t know you anymore, i don’t know anything anymore!”

 

“and you have no right to be hurt Doyoung! You know that! you don’t have any rights because you left! I literally begged you to stay, but you didn't. Everyone said to give you some space, so i did. But the next thing i know you’re flying to fucking Paris,”

 

He’s been waiting for this to happen ever since he saw jaehyun the night before, but now that it's happening, Doyoung feels his chest tighten. He knows every word jaehyun says is true, every sentence feels like a bullet crashing his heart to pieces.

 

“you don’t know what i’ve been through jaehyun!” Doyoung uses all his strength to shout back.

 

“No! _You_ don’t know what i’ve been through!”

 

“we all weeped when you left you know, i can’t even function when i realized you were really gone, when i realized you don’t even need me anymore, so you left me. You fucking left me when i am more than willing to be on that journey with you!” this time, both of their faces are full of tears, bodies shaking as they do their best to breathe.

 

“I’m—” Doyoung was about to put a hand on jaehyun’s arm but the latter avoided him.

 

“no! let me finish;

 

You don’t know how fucking broken i was, you were my world Doyoung, and you left in a snap of a finger! How do you expect me, expect us to be the same after years of you ignoring us?”

 

“you broke us Doyoung, you fucking broke us to pieces and it took us years to hold ourselves up and then you come back just to leave us again and now we’re back to square one, crumbling down again!”

 

“whatever happened to you back there, i was willing to be on that journey with you! I was a fucking idiot to believe that you would also want ‘you and me against the world’” at that moment Doyoung can’t feel his heart anymore. It hurt so much that it went numb and probably stopped working. He can’t breathe and his legs feel wobbly.

 

“i’m sorry, i really am. That time all i can think about are my insecurities.” Doyoung manages to exhale. He can’t feel his legs so he turns around and sits down at the sidewalk. Jaehyun sits down beside him, probably exhausted too from crying their hearts out.

 

“it was hard, to be someone who is achieves everything, yet the first one to be let go the moment something fucks up, all i can think about was myself, and you. I thought about how you don’t deserve someone like me, someone who would pull you down while you were up there, flying high at the clouds of your dreams;

 

It was hard to get on that plane. Knowing that the moment i stepped on that plane, i have to leave behind everything that i am. That tore me down to pieces too, jaehyun,”

 

Doyoung still can’t stop his tears from falling. He can’t breathe, but he feels his chest lighter as he lets out everything he’s been keeping from his heart for years. He glances at his side and his jaehyun, mirroring his face full of tears, using his sleeve to take some of them off, and his other hand playing with small rocks at the sidewalk.

 

“when you left our apartment that night, i realized that i don’t know who the hell that Doyoung was. Because the Doyoung i know would never leave me like that. The Doyoung i know would never bail out on me, we would have to talk it through. The Doyoung i know would not make a rash decision, just because he failed.” jaehyun looks at his eyes with longing, lips pursing as he inhales and exhales deeply.

 

“And then you really left. You really left me, i could’ve let you go you know? It’s your dreams and you know me Doyoung, i would never hinder you from achieving them, hell i would even raise you up and push you through if you could’ve let me.

 

You broke my heart, you broke me into pieces to the point that i thought i hated you. But then i realized, how can i hate someone who was with me every step of the way?

 

I could never hate you. Not back then, not now, not _ever_ ” this time jaehyun buries his faces on his hands and brushing his hair through the process. Doyoung can’t feel anything anymore.

 

“i’m a mess. I fucked up. I fucking fucked up everything. I broke myself thinking that going away would complete me, when going away would mean that i would be leaving everything. Including _you_ ”

 

“i’m sorry… i’m sorry for showing up when we both are still vulnerable,”

 

Jaehyun turns his body to faces Doyoung. Doing his everything to keep his hands to himself and not succumbing to temptation of touching Doyoung’s skin.

 

“I just… i just wanna know;”

  


_“Did you regret it? Going away?”_

  


Doyoung exhales. Doyoung fears that this is it. Jaehyun would hate him forever.

  


“No. No, i don’t” breaking his eyes away from jaehyun’s gaze.

 

“okay, _okay_ ” jaehyun whispers as he nods, fooling himself that he really understands. But he can’t.

 

“What do you _want_ then?”

 

“i just want my bestfriend back” Doyoung half whispers, doing his best to talk his heart out.

 

Jaehyun engulfs him in a hug. Doyoung buries his face on the crook of  jaehyun’s neck and cries even harder like a child. Jaehyun hugs him even tighter, head leaning to Doyoung’s, and smelling his hair. He thinks twice before he plants a kiss on his temple, but he does it. Lips lingering for a few seconds. He’s been yearning for this for two years and keeping himself from doing it for a day yet it feels like centuries. He loves how Doyoung stayed the same.

 

Doyoung on the other hand thinks that he has been in this country for a week, but this is the _home_ he’s truly been longing for. Jaehyun’s scent, his voice humming for Doyoung, his chest that Doyoung can hug whenever he feels like.

 

They stayed like that for a few minutes. A couple of people walking by and looking at them, but they don't care. What really matters is that they are back on each other’s side.

  
  


Doyoung feels his heart swell as he enters the airport. His parents, haechan, and jeno went all the way from their hometown to send him off his flight to back to Paris. Yuta and Ten also in tow with their respective luggages, about to depart, finally to their hometown.

 

“I guess this is goodbye again?” Doyoung says as he comes back from checking in his luggages. He’s flying business class, so he ought to stay in the lounge.

 

Doyoung hugs both donghyuck and jeno. “Be good, okay? Be sure to remember everything i taught you about college”  jeno gives him a reassuring smile, meanwhile Doyoung rolls his eyes.

 

“ _Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero_ ” the two recites in unison. “Don’t worry hyung! Don’t forget to facetime us okay?” Doyoung nods as he pats the hair of the two.

 

Yuta and ten’s turn to him to bid him their goodbye. “i can’t believe i’m hugging you again at this very airport, because you apparently are leaving again,” Among the three of them, ten is the cry baby, so he isn't surprised at his friend when his voice cracks due to his crying.

 

“Be happy okay? We don’t care if you are thousands of miles away. Just be happy. That’s all we ever ask from you,” yuta whispers to his ears as they hugged. God knows how thankful Doyoung is for yuta and ten, he just hopes that this time, he’ll be able to reciprocate it to them.

 

He then turns and looks at his dad, who pats him in his shoulders, and pulls him into a hug. “Take care of yourself, son. Just know that we’ll always be here for you. Call us when gongmyung has fetched you there okay?” He never was the type of man who cries, during Doyoung’s entire life, he only seen him cry twice. Once when gongmyung went away to Paris, and once when it was his turn two years ago.

 

This time, he doesn’t though. Since he already conditioned his mind that Doyoung wasn’t meant to stay. He then looks at his mom, eyes brimming with tears, and hugs her so tight he almost breaks her bones. “i love you, son. I love you so much. I know i won’t be able to make you stay, so please be happy okay? That’s all i’m asking you” she gives that motherly smile she always had, a memory Doyoung has engraved in his heart.

 

“please, don’t make it harder for me” Doyoung pleads, eyes also brimming with tears.

 

“i love you mom, i love you dad. I’ll tell gongmyung you’ve been doing great here.” Doyoung turns around and collects his duffel hand carry bag.

 

“this is not goodbye okay? This time, i’ll be coming back as soon as i have free days, okay?”

 

They all nod at him. Doyoung turns his back around and started to drag his feet crossing the massive airport. He counts every step exerts, turning away from people in rush with their luggages.

  


Four.

 

Five.

 

Six.

 

Seven.

 

_Did he forget about me?_

 

Jaehyun didn’t manage to bid him goodbye that night. There has been an emergency at taeyong’s house so they needed to go out of town at midnight.

 

They only talked once after tha. When Doyoung let jaehyun know the details of his flight, jaehyun nodding, accepting the fact that his newly reunited best friend is going away, _again._

 

Eight.

 

Nine.

 

He’s still far from where he is headed to, so he brings up his pace.

 

Ten.

 

Eleven.

 

Twelve.

 

Thirteen.

 

“Kim Doyoung!” _fourteen._

 

Doyoung knows that voice since the start. It sounded tired and panting, so he turns around as fast as he could.

 

There he was, hands on his knees, panting maybe after running the whole expanse of the airport. Running to _him._

 

“are you really not gonna leave like how you left two years ago? Without saying goodbye?” Jaehyun grins at him. His dimples never fails to mock him, yet he loves every bit of it.

 

Doyoung lets out an exhale of relief, and changes the direction of his pace. They both meet halfway, just like those in the movies. They let their arms be around each other, tightly hugging, extending the message of love to one other.

 

They break the hug, hands still clinging on their arms.

 

“i thought you wouldn’t make it. That i have to fly to Paris again without seeing you,”

 

“As if i can endure not seeing you off,”

 

Jaehyun wants to kiss Doyoung then and there but he doesn't. They both agreed to stay friends while picking up themselves from the pieces they made each other into, and jaehyun respects that; because he needs them too. Too heal, fully heal from all the hurt they had for the past. They both decided to take things slow, just like the old times, they both still hold a big part of each other’s hearts and no one can take that away from them. Even with the possibility of them falling in love with other people, they know that they will always come back to each other’s arms.

 

“take care okay? I don’t want my best friend ex-boyfriend to go back home not functioning anymore. I want you intact!” jaehyun says as he playfully slaps Doyoung’s arms.

 

“ouch! I won’t even reach Paris intact anymore!” Doyoung replies while hissing.

 

“whatever you say!”

 

“but seriously, Doyoung, reach your dreams. Fly high. Don’t look back on us if you must. We’ll do our best to walk beside you, being with you every step. Well, not physically, but if you need to vent out some stress, or someone to talk to when you would pull your usual all-nighters, don’t forget that i’ll be more than willing to accompany you. Just call me okay?”

 

“will do.” Doyoung smiles to jaehyun giving him reassurance that yes, this time he will keep it on his mind that he is not alone. That he has a family, and a love one here at home.

 

“one last hug?” Doyoung pleads so jaehyun engulfs him in a hug again. So tight like it's their first time in years.

 

“i love you. Always have, always will”

 

“i love you too. Always.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**2 years later**

 

*ring~ ring~*

 

Doyoung hardly opens his eyes as he reaches out for his alarm clock on his bedside table. He’s lying on his stomach, limbs tangled on the comfort of his bed sheets. Sunlight passing through the nips of his closed curtains. He turns his head on the other side as he feels warmth crashing onto his right.

 

“rise and shine sleepyhead” Jaehyun says groggily. Lifting his face, turning to his side, putting his arm around doyoung’s waist and pressing his head to the crook of Doyoung’s neck. Gently placing light kisses in the process.

 

It’s jaehyun’s first morning in Paris, 

 

and jaehyun would celebrate his first christmas with Doyoung after _a year_ long of communicating through facetime and skype, 

 

To say they both miss each other is an understatement,

 

They  _crave_ for each other.

 

Hopefully, their hands all over the both of them sends the message.

 

Yesterday’s Doyoung was too enthusiastic to tour jaehyun around the city of lights. He can't wait to show jaehyun the streets of Paris, the streets he walked through for the past years.

 

Now that jaehyun is here, he can now finally call the place his  _home._

 

because home is wherever Jaehyun is,

 

And wherever jaehyun is, there his heart _resides._

 

But this morning’s Doyoung feels like spending the day on bed, inhaling jaehyun’s scent. He groans as he remembers how sore his lowerback is.

 

Jaehyun places a hand on his bareback caressing his spine, which is marked with hickeys here and there.

 

“how are you feeling?”

 

“oh don’t feign ignorance mister, i know that you know i’m sore all over” jaehyun lets out a chuckle as Doyoung buries his head on his pillow.

 

Jaehyun then turns him on his back and pulls Doyoung in his embrace. Doyoung on top of his chest still having his eyes closed from exhaustion.

 

“What do you want for breakfast?” it's Doyoung’s turn to bury his face on jaehyun’s neck.

 

“you,” jaehyun grins as he lifts a hand to caress Doyoung’s soft hair, down to his neck.

 

“ _va te faire foutre_ ,” Doyoung mutters to jaehyun.

 

“well, come to think of it last night i _did_ fuck you” Jaehyun lifts his head to look at doyoung’s reaction

 

Doyoung groans at that. Surprised that jaehyun actually understood that little french he just blurted out.

 

“what? Ten lectured me in a 12 french swear words before i left so, not my fault” jaehyun replies as Doyoung lifts his face to glare at him. Jaehyun smiles up in defeat.

 

“i hate you.”

 

“no, you don’t, you love me.”

 

“where do you want to go today?” Doyoung changing the topic because he knows there's no end to that.

 

“i don’t know, i’m still tired from the 12 hour long flight. I’m still having jet lag. Maybe cuddle in bed all day” jaehyun feels the latter lift a smile on his chest.

 

“good, cause i don’t feel like bragging you out in the open just yet.” Doyoung pecks jaehyun’s lip. “for now let me have you all by myself” he kisses jaehyun again. This time, in a slow, intimate way that got butterflies on their stomachs just like it’s the first time.

 

Jaehyun thinks how he waited for this moment. Flashbacks of all of their memories from their childhood, teenage years, college days. Everything comes into flashes as they deepened their kiss. Hands on the back of each other’s hair, fingers threading hairs.

 

Doyoung breaks the kiss, foreheads resting into one another, smile reflecting each of their faces. Chests heaving from the lack of air they both went through.

 

Jaehyun is overwhelmed from all the feelings he’s having all at once. The feeling of joy, nostalgia, longing, regrets. He feels dizzy, his mind going into a fuzz and goes straight down the drain.

 

So he utters, what he thinks the most rational sentence he could utter on this very moment with the love of his life;

 

_“Will you Marry Me?”_

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So, you actually finished it. Thank you so much! Hope you like it? I dont know what to write anymore since im not used to this. ㅠㅠ so yeah :// what do you think? 
> 
> Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero is a latin phrase which means "Seize The Day, turn no trust into tomorrow"
> 
> talk to me: [twitter](https://twitter.com/urijaedo) [twitter](https://twitter.com/dreaminten)


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